I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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