At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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