my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
