If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
