i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
is this the sara with the beer cane?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
