just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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