nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
