Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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