it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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