so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
