If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
