New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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