There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
