He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
