Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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