Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
