He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I have tasted many bathrooms
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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