I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
