My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
