dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I wish i was in the wii world.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
