yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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