They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
