so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
he high fived his dick after we had sex
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
