My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
