I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
