I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
