WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
