There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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