I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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