I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
