She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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