i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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