he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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