my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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