I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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