Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
