I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
