ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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