ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
