We're like a lot better than the average bears
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
