I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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