Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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