Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
