Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
how do you play pong handcuffed?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
