WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i think my tv is drunk
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
