I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
