how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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