My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
