Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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