please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
