Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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