Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
