Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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