I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
organizing the empties. That sober.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
