peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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