he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
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