If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
