it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
