I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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